Friday, April 2, 2010
i have many things in my head right now. firstly, i think my life really has lost its direction. i totally find no joy in studying and im just studying for the sake of some societal requirements of success. one has to have good academic results to have a bright future, yea right. whats the use of being academically smart when a person cannot uphold a good character? .... seeing people fighting like crazy to get into leadership positions or get into research grp for the sake of building up portfolio really irks me.... doing things, or rather planning things instead of taking up such positions because of passion. its scary, how people do things for the sake of a good future. its tiring to fight with so many people, to try to make oneself outstanding too. i want to be successful in my definition, i want to be the hero of my own life, not by the definition of some societal requirement. it's the first time out of my school life i feel like trying for a leadership position, for once i feel like stepping out of my comfort zone to challenge my abilities. i never dared to really lead before for fear of responsibilities, but i was told i could lead, and i really wanna try for the passion of the post. however, there seems so many people who wants to compete for the place too. are they doing it for passion, or for the freaking portfolio, i have no idea. i dont mind competing for the post as i believe its an interesting role, but seeing how people literally plot to get it, sort of forces me to plot for myself in order not to lose out. i feel ashame of it, and i am tired of doing it all this way. should i continue fighting? or just give up. i just want a simple life where people around me accept me for who i am and we are able to treat each other honestly. somehow, i seem so insignificant and incapable among all the elites... i want a place where i truly belong. my dream and goal in life is to travel the world, i really want to, but it just seem so far out of reach. never can i imagine myself just sitting in an office for 20 over years working for something that i find no meaning in. if i were 70 and lking back my whole life, the success which i see is only high ranks in an office and lots of money, thats so meaningless.
friends... what really are friends. its scary how someone criticize a person behing his or her back and turn around claiming to be his or her friends. it really send chiils down my back, what are friends to you. being good in front and talking about their flaws behind. if you dont agree with their ways, dont fake them into believing you are their friend... sometimes how i wish i live in a drama, where friends can sacrifice themselves just for the sake of each other. how i wish i can find people who really understands me, accept me for who i am, and not gossip and gossip about people around them. gossips are really juicy to listen too and many people would like to listen, even me myself, but when i take a step back, i realise the gossips are just too aplenty and they float around. when will you be the content of gossips, you will never know. cant the world be just simple, why cant people tell the person directly where they did wrongly, whats wrong with them, if you dont want to, just keep your dam mouth shut. .... i think i need to tell myself too, keep my dam mouth shut, because i feel that im starting to be sucked into the whole pool of fakeness and gossips.... i realise that people joins gossips not to be left out.... i dont want to be left out, neither do i like the feeling of bonding just because we have a common enemy. haiz. my world is turing upside down and im wondering if im really the outcast. is it my fault that i dont fit in? is my thinking too illogical? what's wrong with wanting somone who understands you. i want to be the hero of my life, i want my life to not be a shadow of darkness. come on, let me soar high for my dreams.
10:23 AM